Funny quotes

Here are some funny things my patients have said when I've asked them about their past medical history. Welcome to Alabama, I suppose.

"I got the high blood."
"I also got the gouch."
"I had prostrate cancer, but I'm cured now."
"Rheumatoil arthitis."
"I had a bleeder on my left kidney."
"I had me a bout of vomicking."
"I was fixin to gonna go unda consha."
"He done fell out," [used so commonly that we refer to it as DFO]
"I done slep worser"
"I got fireballs in my eucharis" [fibroids in my uterus]

A lucky man

So my wife and I were on neurology wards, on the same team, at the same time, for about one week together a few weeks ago. We had known for a while that it would be coming, but we kind of did the whole 'ignore the elephant in the room' thing. Overall things went okay. I tried hard, though admittedly not always successfully, not to scut her out too much. And in turn, she tried not to use me too much for her "Easy button" to get things done.

Inevitably, though, we shared a patient together, which made all of that much more difficult. But that's not the funny part. The patient had developed, as a result of his illness, all the signs of mania. He had VERY pressured speech, talking a mile a minute. Once, when she and I were both in his room together, in one of his bouts of verbal diarrhea, he said something to the effect of:

"So doctor, how did you manage to land her? You must be pretty smart. I'll say you're smart for picking her. Or maybe she's smart for picking you. Really you're just one lucky SOB. That's right, I'll say it again, you're a lucky SOB because she sure is pretty. Now I don't mean any offense by that, pretty lady, but you sure are pretty. Now my daughter's a pretty lady too, but your wife there is really pretty. Now if I was 30 years younger, well no maybe 40 years younger, I'd...well I shouldn't say things like that. I really shouldn't say that, but you know what I mean. Anyway, you sure are pretty, and doctor, you sure are lucky."

We just stood there for a second, looked at each other and cracked a smile. I agreed with the patient of course, and my wife and I left the room together. We walked out of his room and then turned to each other and said simultaneously, "we need to go up on his meds."